Oh it WILL be a problem that he's conservative and you are not. Trust me. I hate to sound preachy, but I've been there. My last boyfriend seemed all punk rock cool when we started dating, but slowly he revealed his more religious and conservative side. When I would party he would call me a slut. He didn't like me hanging out with my best friend because he called her a slut. At 19 years old he was going to get baptized to please his mother. He rolled his eyes at me when I said I wanted to do Suicide Girls.

Anyways, watch out, because that doesn't go away! For me, I dated him for so long that I wanted to have a family - that's where it would have been headed eventually - and no way could I have raised kids with him when our values were so different.

I personally think that getting married when you get pregnant is the most white trash thing ever. :p

Shotgun weddings!

I come from a very conservative country, but there are a lot of single mothers here. A lot of my friends have babies out of wedlock and it's really not a big deal, at least for us. I can't really say much on ~that~, though, since I've never had a boyfriend whose parents are ultra-conservative. But.

A cousin of mine got his girlfriend pregnant and he and his girlfriend had a civil marriage. His younger brother got his girlfriend pregnant but they're not married and no one seems to be forcing them to marry.

A good friend of mine got pregnant and she and her boyfriend got married. I know, though, that deep inside her, that was what she wanted, so I'm happy for her.

Personally, if I get pregnant, I wont be rushing to get married just because. I mean, I would love to marry eventually, but one doesn't have to mean the other, you know?

It's good that you are discussing these things now, rather than after it happens. Not saying it WILL happen, but as you said yourself, the chance is there. The chance is always there, unless you are abstaining from sex 100%.

I got pregnant with Alyssa before Dan and I were married. We were engaged at the time — we had been engaged for two and a half years. We moved our wedding up to the following October, a month before Alyssa was born. We *had* planned on marrying in the summer of fall of 2005 or 2006. It wasn't a big deal to move things up to October of 2004, except that because all of our planning and money was going towards having a baby, we had a very low cost wedding, no frills, with just family present. Someday we hope to have a regular wedding to renew our vows with… but that's in the far future for now.

I'm old fashioned when it comes to marriage and babies. I feel that if you are in love with a committed to someone to the point where you are willing to live with them and live AS a married couple, then you should marry. Like it or not, there are social stigmas about unmarried couples living together as couples, and raising children together. Children are cruel to other children, and many adults can be just as cruel, even if it's in the form of quick judgments and opinions, rather than coming out with insults and such to your face.

So, in my opinion, and from my own experience, if I got pregnant while with someone I was planning on marrying, I would just move the wedding up to be married before the baby was born.

On a related note, I really don't understand couples who choose to live together and do everything together like a married couple would, yet not marry. They'll own a home together, take out loans together, purchase cars, go on vacation, raise children, run the household, etc…. but not marry. Why? One benefit of marriage many people don't think about is legal and financial protection, should the marriage suddenly dissolve. There are so many legal cases you hear about where a living together couple separate, and one is trying to sue the other for their share of the mortgage, car, etc., or for alimony. But since there's no marriage contract, it's kind of hard to split things up between two people are *aren't* spouses.

Jenn - My aunt and Uncle are one of those unmarried couples. They've been together for 20 years. They're just like a married couple. As for me, I plan to marry one day, but if I got pregnant, I wouldn't want to rush it.

If you don't want to worry about the 'what ifs' of getting pregnant before marriage, how about not have sex until you are married? It saves a lot of trouble…

I think I agree with your post. You come off as sounding very mature, and taking a decision carefully. I wouldn't want to waste all that time either, if I was the type inclined to thinking about children and whatnot. I don't think there's nothing wrong with children who have parents that "aren't married" either.

Um, isn't having sex out of wedlock just as bad?

I don't look down on anyone for have children and not being married, my sister has 3 kids (with the same guy) but isn't married. I'd be pissed if she married him because he's such a loser. Getting married to someone just because you're pregnant is a stupid decision I think.

I personally don't understand why people should get married. Sure, there may be some financial/legal/whatever perks to it, but I can't stand people who seem to think every single couple should get married if they are in a longterm, committed relationship.

In response Jenn's comment about social stigmas and children being cruel to children: Boy, I'm glad I live in Finland then. Things aren't like that in here. The children of married couples aren't cruel to the children of unmarried couples here. Also, kids are very tolerant by default so all the cruelty is learned at home.

Marriage shouldn't be about appearances, perks, or the wedding. Marriage doesn't even have to involve love, sexual attraction, or religion. As long as both people are honest with each other and to themselves and committed to making things work, a marriage can succeed. Marriages are unions on multiple levels. Any resulting children are both proof of the physical union of a couple, and also the result of their united DNA. The two families also unite. If I have a child, that child is my flesh and blood. I couldn't abandon my baby, and assuming the mother couldn't either, it'd only make sense for her to be my wife. Marriage can say, "I'll be here for you… I'm not going anywhere… together we can do this".

(Isn't the phrase, "A _bun_ in the oven"? Maybe you watch too many horror movies… )

Premarital pregnancy is kind of scary but i definitely see your point.
I would probably do the same thing as you and prepare for labor over planning a wedding.
I actually don't even want to get married but my boyfriend wants to someday.
At least you're willing to keep the baby though if an accident does happen.
In my boyfriend's & my case we do want to keep the baby if I end up pregnant but he's afraid of not having the means to care for it. =(

Sic - LMFAO! I meant bun in the oven. Haha, baby in the oven. Yes, I do watch too many horror movies.

I agree with you, I don't think getting married just because of a pregnancy is the best thing to do in that case. His conservative family might make you guys (directly or indirectly) make you do that, if it ever happens that you are having a baby.

Well, I hope no baby comes yet, and only when you guys decide to have one because you are both ready and are able to dedicate it time (without wedding rush!)

If I'd get pregnant now, I wouldn't marry "just" because of the kid.

I don't believe people need to marry simply because they are pregnant, but if they plan on living together, owning a home together, and raising the baby together, it only makes sense to marry. That has nothing to do with how conservative your moral or religious views are, it simply comes down to a matter of responsibility. You can have a ceremony or an actual wedding whenever you'd like, but marriage itself is a legal bind. I can understand why, in your case, you'd want to wait and plan the wedding, but why are people proud to basically say, "no, I don't want legal and financial protection in my relationship"? For that reason, I agree with Jenn's comment about couples who live together and never marry, barring strange circumstances, of course. I know a woman who can't marry her current partner, for example, because she is raising 2 children and still needs the benefits she receives because of her late husband, who died on the job.

Basically, to be a responsible PARENT, you need to be sure you're taken care of financially. That's why I believe the issue of responsibility in terms of whether you marry or not doesn't have to do with morals or conservatism as much as it does the legal aspect of the whole thing. Those who look down their noses at you because of religious or moral reasons are just snotty. I wouldn't even take that into consideration.

Coming from a conservative family and from parents who got married because they got pregnant, I understand where he's coming from BUT I do think that getting pregnant shouldn't make anyone immediately take the plunge. I think your reasons for not wanting to immediately tie the knot if you get pregnant are very mature so kudos to you So many other things should be considered before getting into something as serious as marriage. My parents would have gotten married anyway even if my mom didn't get pregnant… they just had to rush things because they BOTH wanted things to be finalized.

If people get pregnant, they should consider a lot of other factors other than just pregnancy if they think about marriage at all. Sure, marrying because of a pregnancy may be the way to go for some but if people are just trying to avoid criticism, it's not the best idea.

I'm at a loss for words right now. You're my friend and I don't see you rushing into things like getting pregnant by accident and rushing the marriage thing right away. I guess it's because I was always taught to have sex after marriage but I'm changing my mind ya know? Anyway, don't let it worry you to death. Just be positive and hope that you don't get pregnant if you do don't rush the marriage like you want. Get married when you want too. And as far as being a "bastard" child, there's nothing wrong with being one. It just means that the father wasn't ready to have one and probably never will. Ya know? Not trying to put you down or anything like that. Anyway, take care and hope for the better!

People are often too critical of things. I don't see anything wrong with it, either. Some people get married and end up being divorced before the child even reaches puberty. Marriage doesn't guarantee anything for a baby. It only guarantees a union of the parents. A baby after marriage doesn't even guarantee that BOTH parents will be there for the child. Truth be told, even in marriages, the mother is always the one who's doing most of the duties for the children anyway. A lot of other times, people are just plain old fashioned, they believe that people should marry, then have children and that the man should take care of the woman and children financially. But that totally contradicts the definition of a union. Everything should be done equally, from taking care of the kids, to paying bills etc. Marriage before a child usually just ensures financial stability. But what if one already has that? I could go on and on but I'm sure you get my point.

If your bf comes from a really conservative family he should have not had pre-marital sex in the first place. anyway, having a baby out of wedlock has been not a big deal anymore, well, in our generation, it is not. The best thing is you love each other.

:)

I don't know what I'd do if I were in your shoes. In some ways I don't think I'd ever even get this far in a relationship with someone whose morals and values were this different to my own.
If I was in a serious relationship and got pregnant, I don't think I'd rush into getting married just because of it, but if I were in a situation like Jenn, where I was engaged to the guy anyway, I might move the wedding forward slightly. *shrug*