Wesley and I went to my aunt's birthday party last night. I always enjoy hanging out with my family, regardless of the fact that all they do is drink. I was having an okay time, I suppose. I was just kind of standing there watching and listening, while noticing the alcohol quickly taking effect in everyone. Wesley and I weren't drinking. He was driving, and I just didn't want to. I hadn't planned on staying there for a very long time anyways, but then a spark lit my fire, and I wanted to leave that much more.

We had been there for three hours already. I was a little tired, and the noise was really bothering me. Aside from that, I was trying to hang out a little longer because I didn't want to seem rude for leaving at 11 pm considering I usually stay later. Then I overhear a conversation taking place. A friend of the family's (who I always thought was pretty cool) was saying he was going to go get some "stuff" and he would be back. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm assuming he was talking about cocaine or crack. I definitely know it was some kind of hard drug though. He was trying to act all sneaky about it since I was there. That's another thing I hate. People trying to hide things from me. It just makes me that much more mad. I heard him asking my aunts if they wanted any. They refused because they said they had a bad experience with it. He then asked my dad, who said, "I'd love to, but I have to save my money for the beach next week."

The thought of my dad (or anyone) doing hard drugs really bothers me, as you can imagine. I don't think he's an addict or anything, but I'm certain he does it, and that's enough to upset me. Wesley totally missed that drug conversation. He came back into the room and could tell I was angry about something, so he pulled me aside. I told him what I had heard, and I said I wanted to leave. One of my aunts saw us alone in that little room, so she came in to see what we were doing. Wesley told her that I heard the conversation and wasn't too happy about it. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about it. She also made it sound like my dad doesn't do drugs at all. I think she was sugarcoating things a little.

I am almost positive that my dad does drugs occasionally. This party wasn't the only time that I've heard something like this. A while back, I heard my aunt talking about my dad snorting cocaine off her table, and he said, "I'll do it again, too." Just recently, I heard my dad say he wanted to buy some stuff from some crack addict down the street. Therefore, I'd say that's enough knowledge to know that my dad isn't innocent.

Wesley said I should talk to him about it, but I don't think it would make a difference. He already knows how I feel about his drinking all the time, but do you think he has stopped? No, he just keeps on drinking. Therefore, I doubt this would be any different. I can't make anyone stop doing anything they want to. The choice is up to them. However, I just wish people would be honest with me and not lie to me or try and hide things from me. I'm not a little kid anymore, and I'm not stupid. If you're doing drugs, I'll find out about it. Then I'll tell you off.

Just recently, I was looking at the myspace pictures of a girl I used to go to school with. The pictures were of her and her friends from this past weekend, apparently. Almost all of the pictures had them in some sort of drunken manner. I know you only live once, and it's fun to let loose once in a while. However, there is a fine line between having fun and looking like complete trash. I wish I could post the photos here to show you exactly what I'm talking about, but I have enough decency for these girls not to. I will say, however, that taking photos of you peeing, grabbing your boobs and/or someone else's, laying on the concrete with a cigarette in one hand, mouth hanging open, and eyes closed is not attractive to say the least. Oh, and I almost forgot the 50,000 pictures taken while holding a Captain Morgan bottle. There was even a picture of one of the girls licking the top of the bottle as if she were sucking it off or something.

I just don't get it. Do these girls think that is cool? It's really not. I once lived that same lifestyle, or one very close to it. I once took stupid trashy looking pictures too. I once smoked nasty ass cigarettes. I once got drunk every weekend. The difference between us is that I don't do it anymore. Sure, I still drink at times, but I don't get wasted. I also don't do it every weekend, or take pictures of myself on a toilet. I'm better than that.

As if messing up my car wasn't enough, my mom always finds a way to put me in a real shitty mood. I came home from my dad's house because she was supposed to dye my hair. I'm planning to dye it blonde, but well, that never happened. She wasn't home when I got here, but I got a call from her. She said she sold the TV in the living room (as if I couldn't tell) and that tomorrow she is taking my TV and putting it in the living room. I was just so furious. After getting off the phone with her I just started screaming bloody murder and cussing like a sailor. I was so close to destroying stuff, but I managed to calm myself down enough not to. She keeps saying she never gave me the TV in my bedroom, but a few years ago she bought a new one for the living room and put the old one in my bedroom. I don't know about you, but I consider that to be giving it to me. I know I didn't pay for the TV, but I think what my mom is doing is wrong. She is the one that sold the living room TV so she could downsize to a smaller one. So why not take that money and go buy one then? Instead, she's taking mine like the selfish fucking bitch she is. You all can give me hell for talking about my mom like this, but honestly, she's not much of a mom. She may have provided for me for years, but there is a lot more to parenting than that, and that is where she fails.

When she was pregnant with me, she smoked cigarettes, smoked marijuana, and got drunk every night. When I was around three years old, she went to jail for about a year. My Grandma and Great Grandma took care of me. I'm sorry, but if you care about your child enough, you don't do stupid shit that might land you in prison. (Not sure exactly what she did). She has always gone in my room and thrown away things of mine without my permission. What fucking right does she have? I don't care if it's her house or not, those are MY things. I also have vivid images in my head of her dragging me on the ground by my hair, throwing things at me, kicking me while I lay on the floor crying, and whipping me with a belt. Far beyond a smack on the butt. A good mother should help build up your self esteem and always be there to talk to when you need support. My mother has done nothing but tear me down by calling me immature and saying I don't know how to do anything. Maybe I'd know how to do a little more if she would have taught me. Any time I go to her to talk, she either simply ignores me, or raises her tone at me for some reason. I specifically remember when I was bullied in middle school. All I wanted was her love and support through that hard time. What I got was "You need to deal with it." However, regardless of all that, I still have a love for her and I feel like I need her. I just feel very confused.

Since she's planning to move soon, I don't think I'm going to go with her. She brings out the worst in me, and I can't take it anymore. Wesley is going to bring some boxes over this weekend so I can begin to pack some of my things. I have decided to move to my dad's. It's just really hard because there will be a lot of things I have to give up. I have to leave Chloe (my cat) behind, my bed that I love so much, my work only being five minutes away (it will be 30 minutes away at my dad's), and Photoshop. I think Photoshop will be the hardest to give up. If you're wondering why I'll probably have to give it up, it's because it will not work on the Vista installed computer at my dad's. I've tried already. I can take this computer with me, but there's absolutely nowhere to hook it up. I'll try to snag a newer version of Photoshop, if possible. That might work. There isn't really any room at my dad's for my stuff, but I'm determined to find a place. I can't live with my mom any longer. Especially since I pay her rent and she still pulls the "it's my house" deal. I feel like she's only keeping me around for the money I pay her. This whole situation is just difficult, but I can't wait to see her face when she finds out I'm serious about moving out.